Saturday, February 16, 2013

I can haz valentine

"I know a plenty of guys, just tell me what do you look for in a man? I'm dead sure I'll find you someone," she said very promisingly.

I placed my elbows on the table, rested my palms under my chin. My mind went whirl-winding deep down to somewhere really low when the heavy fog started lifting. "Okay, I know exactly the kind of guy I want. You know, the kind of person who'd hold the door for me as I walk in. He should be strong, well-built and protective. The kind of person who knows his responsibilities well and never shies away from them. I've noticed there are times when I think too much, I want someone who can stop me exactly when I go beyond the limit. There must be someone like that, no? There will be people who would want to influence him and lead him to do things that he's dead against. He should be able to say no and stand by his word. I mean, I want the ideal definition of those last to last century's macho men who are self-righteous and all. That..."

"Hold on, hold on!" she exclaimed with a glint in her eyes. "I know what you want!"

My heart skipped half-a-beat. My cheeks had begun the countdown to turn pink when she gave away his name.

"A door-stopper. That's what you need!"

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Forever Alone

It was over a quiet lunch by the window that I realised I should have Forever Alone stamped on my forehead. There was nobody on the floor, because it was lunch time and socially active people choose to sit over lunch with the entire staff. I usually avoid socialising with a lot of people, after they fail to acknowledge my presence, of course.

 There have been times when I've initiated conversations with a group of people. By the end of the 5th minute, I magically find myself outside the little circle they create while they're engaged in lesser interesting topics to waste the strength of their vocal cords on.

Lately, I've understood that I'm probably the supreme case of Forever Alone. There are a few reasons why I believe so:

  • I was sitting at Mc Donald's and watching a kid's birthday party in progress. Suddenly I spotted something weird in a little girl's hand. It looked like a box that was packed in a bright pink glittery paper. 'A gift? People still do that shit? Take gifts to birthdays?' I asked myself. 'I'm sure they do, what would you know of gifts and parties, have you ever been invited to any? Have you ever been out with another human form in the last 3 years except yourself? Oh wait, you look like two people already!' myself retorted. Okay then, I'm fat and forever alone. End of conversation.
  • The other day somebody at work lightly tapped me on the shoulder and asked me for a charger. 'I'm sorry, I don't carry it with me,' I replied, at my polite-est best. 'You don't need a charger with a smart phone?! Are you serious?' and she walked away, rather amused. Okay, so my friends never call/text me, neither does Vodafone. Not entirely my fault, but that does entitle me for the Forever Alone of the year trophy.
  • I've taken to online shopping now. It is more convenient. Okay, who am I fooling, I have no friends in this city who'd accompany me to the mall and offer me a second perspective on what should be bought. So I chose that lady on Shoppers Stop's website as my best friend, the one who poses in those dresses. At least I know what those clothes are going to look like on a human form.
  • Today, I offered a relationship advice to the 539th person I know. I analysed the situation and it worked for both of them. About a few months ago, when I analysed a similar situation for myself, I was rejected, friendzoned, and bro-zoned. I took a leaf out of my female friends' diaries and threw the Never-ever-talk-to-me-again bomb at him. Ideally, it must be interpreted as just the opposite. However, yours truly was unfriended and blocked on not only social networking sites, but also the real world. So be it. Fail and forever alone like never before.
  • It was Friday yesterday. It felt like a Tuesday. It is a Saturday today and the only reason why it is exciting is because I downloaded the torrent for The Vampire Diaries' last episode and I'm dying to watch it right now. I know of a few girls who're probably getting inside their party dresses. I'm getting inside my warm blanket, ready with my headphones and laptop.
  • The last time I updated my Facebook profile picture was way back in June 2012. That was the last time someone clicked a picture of me. Since then I have posed in the mirror a million times and deleted all those pictures because the shampoo bottles in the background would give it away. Yes, I may be forever alone, I may not have people around too judge me, but I'm still conscious about my image on Facebook.

I have about three more points, but I'm not going to include them here because this post is too long already. Also, I don't want to divulge the details of my twitter crush who chose to unfollow me while the Valentine's week is on. I want the three people who're going to click on this link to reach the end. The other forever alone-s in the house, put your hands up, stretch, yawn, and switch the tab now.